The True Meaning of Love

A shot of hubby and me at Raffles Hotel Singapore

Being in love is a beautiful process. It is about two people meeting, connecting and committing to each other. True love is not conditional. It is about putting your partner’s interest before your own. It is about connecting with a person mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Very often, people confuse lust with love. They meet someone for the first time, fall head over heels in love with the person’s appearance and assume that this ‘feeling’ is love. That feeling of anticipation, excitement and exhilaration is probably infatuation or lust but not love. This feeling of euphoria when you are in ‘lust’ with a person will not last, whereas true love is enduring and should be able to withstand the challenges that come along the way.

Love is not a noun (person or thing), it is a verb (an action). Therefore, for a relationship to grow and develop, both husband and wife will have to make constant effort to communicate and spend quality time with each other. The more effort you put in, the stronger your marriage will be. Hollywood teaches us that love is a ‘feeling’ and once this feeling is lost, the love is gone and it is time to move on to the next partner, only to experience the same thing all over again (falling in love, getting bored and falling out of love). 

Love should not be conditional. When you choose a partner, you should consider the overall package and it should not be based on just physical appearance or wealth. I have over eight years of experience in running a dating agency and have spoken to many single men and women on the qualities they look for in a relationship. Men usually list good looks as the most important quality in a partner while women state financial background as the determining factor in marriage. To me, connection is the most important. It is impossible for me to fall in love with a person just because of his physical appearance or ability to provide. Choosing someone solely for his ability to provide cheapens the relationship. With time, many things can change, beauty will fade, health will deteriorate and your spouse may also lose his job. Does that mean that you will forsake him/ her and find your own happiness? Absolutely No. A couple who is deeply in love should be able to go through thick and thin together. 

Love is not a feeling. It is a conscious decision. You choose to love a person based on certain qualities and commit to loving this person. Feelings come and go but true love remains. I have met many men and women who tell me that love is hard to sustain and they have fallen out of love after the first few years of their marriage. It is easy for couples to drift apart especially in a country like Singapore where people are busy working to pay for their condos, cars or simply making ends meet. Couples stop communicating and spending time together. As time goes by, they spend more and more time apart and start to lead separate lives. When I suggest doing things to spice up the relationship, such as sending love notes, going for meals together, they exclaim, “It’s too tiring!” Maintaining a relationship is similar to gardening. In order for a plant to grow, you will need to nurture it, fertilise it so that it will grow healthy and strong. Once you neglect the plant, it will wither and die. Therefore, if you are not willing to put in the effort in the relationship, you are better off being alone.

Love is not blind. When you decide to love someone, you have to accept him/ her as a package (both strengths and weaknesses). Do not go into the relationship thinking that you have the ability to convert your partner. More often than not, people who feel they can change their partners end up feeling resentful when their partners do not seem to want to change. You can be encouraging but it’s no point trying to force someone to be what he or she is not.

Here are some tips to make your relationship stronger:

-Allocate at least 45 minutes to an 1 hour to communicate with your spouse. Sharing your thoughts and feelings will help you to bond better with your partner.

-Make effort to go on dates at least once a week (without the kids) even if you have been married for over 10 years.

-Variety is the spice of life. Try to do different things together such as dining out at different restaurants/ eateries, going for holidays, movies, picnics etc. 

-Send love notes, endearing messages to each other during the work day. This helps to break the monotony of work and make you look forward to seeing your partner again in the evening.

-Treat your spouse with respect. Do not scream or raise your voice at each other no matter how angry you are. Once the respect is lost, it is difficult to get it back.

-Whenever you have disagreements, try to talk it out and find solutions to the problems . Do not let pride get in the way or go to bed with an angry heart.Whenever you are upset with your partner, think of the following bible verse and it will calm you down.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” 1 Corinthians13: 4.

It is not easy to love someone, it requires patience, time and effort. Once you have decided to love, do whatever you can to improve the relationship.

Are Singaporean Women Materialistic?

The New Paper Article on 1 September

Recently, there have been many articles on Singaporean women being materialistic, strong, demanding and opinionated. A scathing critique labelling Singaporean girls as ‘materialistic’, ‘childish’ and 'judgmental' has also been circulating online and it was also mentioned that local men prefer to marry Thai, Vietnamese and Chinese women as they are less materialistic and domineering.

http://razortv.com.sg/video/500018/are-sporean-girls-materialistic-and-childish

http://razortv.com.sg/video/500016/foreign-men-weigh-in-on-singaporean-girls

http://razortv.com.sg/video/500017/are-local-girls-slutty-and-judgmental

According to an article in The New Paper on 1 September, 29 year old local Beauty Queen, Genecia Luo has gone on 100 arranged dates but has yet to find “The One” as her confidence and strong opinions are a turn-off for many men. 

Generally, many local and even foreign men are starting to view Singaporean women as materialistic and difficult to please. As a Singaporean girl, I beg to differ. Singaporean women possess many desirable qualities and are a good mix of the East and West. While we may appear dominant and Westernised, we still maintain many of our traditional Asian values. Here are some qualities that make us ideal marriage partners.

Independence

Our independence and earning power make us more equal partners in a marriage. As we earn our own money, we do not depend on a man for our survival and our livelihood. We are able to contribute to the household expenses and share the burden with our partner. We are able to take care of ourselves and are not needy and helpless. When we choose a partner, we do not just judge him based on his earning power. Kindness,supportiveness, filial piety and compatibility are important considerations too.

Sincerity

Singaporean women are generally more sincere and genuine. We do not manipulate a man just to get him to support us financially. We do not pretend to be nice just to lure a man into a relationship and marriage. Basically, we are just ourselves. What you see is what you get.

Versatility

Many Singaporean women are able to juggle work and domestic matters well. They perform well at work and are excellent at doing household chores, nurturing their children and managing finances. Some may decide to be full-time homemakers for a few years during the developmental years of their children. However, most Singaporean women possess either a degree or a diploma and they can easily return to the workforce when the need arises.

Positive Asian Values

Asian values such as respect for elders, compassion and filial piety are ingrained in many Singaporean women. Although, we have become more Westernised in our dressing and behaviour over the years, most Singaporean women remain very “Asian” in their thinking.

Strength of Character

Singaporean women are more resilient and tenacious than women in other parts of Asia. We are trained to be independent and resourceful. In times of crises, we are able to manage situations better. Thus, we are able to be a pillar of support for our partners.

Well-groomed

Many Singaporean women are well-groomed and take effort to maintain their image. I know of many who have a few kids and still look slim and attractive.

Overall, I feel that Singaporean women possess many desirable traits and make good marriage partners. Singaporean women are looking for men who are stable and responsible. Stability is a trait which every woman would look for in a partner and that should not be misconstrued as being materialistic. 

People Who Are Overly Nice Finish Last In Love

Have you ever wondered why you are disappointed again and again despite your constant efforts to be nice to the person you love? You do everything for him/ her but end up getting overlooked, mistreated, battered or abandoned.

Nice people are often confused and do not understand why their good behavior does not lead to an everlasting relationship. They buy gifts, cook, offer financial assistance and act as a personal chauffeur to their loved ones. Their actions are not only notreciprocated, they get dumped when a more attractive person comes along. They get demoralised and disillusioned and start to feel bitter about themselves and the people around them.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating bad behaviour. It is important to be nice. However, it is vital to know when to be nice. Having boundaries is crucial in a relationship. Boundaries set the tone for how you want people to treat you. A person without boundaries is one that is likely to be abused and taken for granted. Having boundaries means that you trust your instincts and take action when something is not right. It is about having self-respect and self- worth. Sometimes, people are too concerned and pre-occupied with keeping a bad relationship that they end up over-compromising. They would rather live in denial and fear than end a relationship that is not working. If you do not set your boundaries, you will find yourself being taken advantage by everyone.

Common Dating Mistakes To Avoid:

Being too available

Nice people are often too readily available. They are the ones who will over compromise and over compensate, giving everything to a person they hardly know. They are eager to please and will just drop everything for the person they are attracted to. They are the ones who will give blindly as they are desperate to keep the relationship at all costs. They are the ones who will get hurt in the end. It is important to understand the rule of scarcity. Whatever is scarce or requires some work to obtain is deemed as more valuable than something which is easily available. So, it works to be a little unavailable. Continue to go out with your friends and engage in your usual activities. You can make some time for the person you like, however, you do not need to cancel all your plans and drop everything just because the one you like calls. In the beginning of a relationship, it is vital to maintain the mystery and excitement. When you are too eager to please, you come across as desperate, cheap and having low value.

Impressing with expensive meals and gifts

Many men make the mistake of impressing the woman they love with expensive meals and gifts on the first date. If a woman likes you, she will like you for who you are. Expensive meals and gifts can come later when you are already in an exclusive relationship with her. You don’t want to make a woman feel uncomfortable and obligated on the first date. A few years ago, I went out with a guy on a first date. I expected it to be a casual outing and I had actually planned another meeting with a friend after that. I was shocked when he brought me to a fine dining restaurant and presented me with a bracelet. I could not wait for the dinner to come an end. There was another man who gave me roses on a first date and when we arrived at the restaurant, he kept asking the restaurant staff to take pictures of us and the staff actually thought that we were celebrating our wedding anniversary! It was extremely embarrassing. When you try to impress too much on a first date, you come across as insincere. If you want to give her a gift, perhaps it would be good to give something small and casual such as a box of chocolates. You don’t want to overwhelm her on the first date. Charm her with your wit, personality, humour and intelligence instead. Expensive gifts will only attract materialistic women and gold diggers.

Rewarding Bad Behaviour

Nice people have the tendency to treat everyone very well even when they don’t deserve it. No matter how bad a partner treats them, they will continue to treat him/ her well. Nice people often think that by giving good treatment, their actions will one day be reciprocated and their partners will change for the better. This is often wishful thinking on their part. By being nice to someone who does not deserve it, you are actually rewarding a partner for being mean to you. A person with boundaries will ignore a person who treat him/ her badly and will let a partner know what he/ she is unable to tolerate. 

Pursuing relentlessly

Anything you relentless pursue in life will run away. Men who do nice things all the time never get the woman. They become spare tyres and the women will only go out with them when they can’t find anyone better to date. When you are too nice, you become boring. No woman would want to date a dull man. She’ll start to take you for granted and you will constantly need to look for ways to top the last thing you did.

For women, please remember that ‘the thrill lies in the chase’. Once you start to chase the guy, you lose all your bargaining power. For a woman, the ultimate destination is commitment or marriage, However, for a man, the journey towards the destination is the most exciting and fun. When a man has invested time and energy in the relationship, he tends to treasure it more. If you do not give the man the opportunity to invest in a relationship and offer commitment on a gold platter, he will get bored with the relationship and resist taking it to the next level.

Jumping stages

According to relationship guru and author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, there are five stages in a relationship, namely attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement. Sometimes, people jump stages and indirectly sabotage their relationship. The first stage of a relationship is the attraction phase and this is the stage where the man and the woman will be on their best behaviour and do their best to please each other. As the couple gets closer and starts to bond emotionally, they will reach the uncertainty stage. This stage is the time where you assess whether your partner is right for you. Quite commonly, people jump stages and immediately move into intimacy or engagement. When a woman moves quickly to stage 4 (intimacy) when the man is only in stage 1 (attraction), the relationship is doomed to fail. One example, is when the woman packs her bags and decides to move in with the man during the first three months of the relationship. The man will then feel uncomfortable and uneasy and may start to withdraw from the relationship.

When a man and a woman bonds, a hormone called oxytoxin is released. Oxytoxin helps to lower a woman’s stress levels, however, it does not have the same effect on men. It has the effect of lowering his testosterone which is likely to raise his stress levels. So, too much emotional connection and bonding may cause a man to feel suffocated and uncomfortable. He will then start to pull away and focus on his work or own activities, This causes confusion in a woman and questions such as “ Why didn’t you call? Do you love me anymore?” will start popping up in her mind. The biggest mistake a woman can make is by smothering the man with too much attention and acting like a wife when she is not even married to him. Examples would be offering companionship, physical intimacy and being at his beck and call all the time and pandering to his every whim and fancy. By doing so, it is unlikely that the man would eventually want to marry you. As the saying goes, " Why bother to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" However, he will probably keep you by his side till someone better comes along. Even if he eventually marries you, he will not treat you with much respect as you seem to be more into him than he is into you.

In order to be successful in anything, you need to invest time and energy to find out how things work before going into it blindly. For example, a doctor will have to spend six years of his life going through a medical degree while an architect will need to spend seven years of education before being certified.

In order to find true and lasting love, you need to understand how men and women think and how relationships work. Without this knowledge, it is quite impossible to snag your ideal partner and create a fulfilling relationship. 

The Art of Seduction

Seduction is a specialised form of persuasion that makes use of a man’s weaknesses such as (addiction to flattery, pride) to get what you want.

Seduction is one of the most important skills a woman should possess. If you are blessed with good looks, you have an obvious advantage over other women. However, not all good-looking women know what to do to make a guy fall head over heels in love with you. Have you ever wondered why some women are average looking but have dozens of men wooing them? You do not need to be a drop dead gorgeous beauty to be able to flirt well. To make a man fall deeply in love and be hooked on you, you need to be feminine, fascinating, mysterious and confident.

Cleopatra, the ancient Egyptian Queen was the epitome of mystery, intrigue and feminity. In order to seduce Julius Caesar, she wrapped herself in a bale of rags and presented herself to Caesar. Caesar was so captivated with her that he could not get her of his mind.

How to get in the mood for seduction

-Look at nice pictures of yourself, especially those that show your sensuality

-Practise in front of the mirror. Find a role model and model yourself after her.

-Learn how to walk and move like her. The trick is to practise until you are perfect.

-Wear something sexy and hot to mask your inner insecurities. Remember to wear a thong and not a Granny’s underwear. Sexy lingerie makes a woman feel sexy instantly.

-Dance to hot music in front of the mirror. Learn to sway your hips suggestively like Shakira

-Watch shows like America’s Top model and learn how to strut your stuff like top models.

-Indulge yourself. Go for a pampering spa treatment, a manicure or pedicure you’ll be surprised how sensual you feel instantly.

-Use the right makeup to accentuate your features and to create the mood. Experiment with different colours until you find a look that suits you.

-Snack on chocolates. Chocolates give you a high and they are also a natural aphrodisiac. 

The Pussycat Walk

The Pussycat Walk is the most sensual and seductive walk.

-Walk one foot directly in front of the other

-Hold your head up high and don’t look down unless you absolutely need to

-Keep your arms straight and your chest out.

-Keep cool and composed and walk slowly.

-It’s good to practise walking in front of a full-length mirror. Pay attention to the movement of your hips, shoulders and legs. Keep your shoulders straight, do not slouch and loosen your arms and hips. Swivel your hips in a figure of eight motion like a sexy belly dancer. 

Imagine an invisible line painted on the ground. Start walking, one leg in front of the other. Ensure your posture is straight. This gives the feeling of confidence. Keep your arms loose and relaxed when you walk. Remember to keep your gaze straight. Do not look down at your feet or look up at the sky. 

Try to practise walking with stilettos. They draw attention to your legs, hips and butt and make you look irresistible.

The Power of the Body Language

Body language is the language of seduction. It refers to gestures, postures, and facial expressions by which a person manifests various physical, mental, or emotional states and communicates non verbally with others. Your body language also communicates your personal branding.

The movement of your body, the tone of your voice, your facial expressions, the speed of your speech, the way you dress and even how you stand or sit send messages far more convincingly than any words spoken. 

Most people have no idea how they are being perceived by others. They may believe that they do, but actually they don’t and this can be detrimental when they are on a date. A high percentage of people unintentionally convey the opposite messages of what they intend to portray without realising that they are doing it. Some people feel that it is wrong to consciously alter your body language to create a positive first impression. There is nothing wrong with being aware of yourself and changing your gestures to convey a positive first impression. The sooner you master the art of using the right body language, the further you can go in your relationship.

10 Gestures that Turn Men OFF

-Looking down or avoiding eye contact (shows lack of self confidence)

-Biting nails (shows nervousness)

-Shaking your legs (shows boredom)

-Folding arms (shows arrogance)

-Putting your hands in your pocket (shows defensiveness and also makes yourself seem unavailable)

-Picking your nose (shows lack of hygiene)

-Raising your eyebrows incredulously (shows you don’t trust what your date says)

-Keeping your hands in your pocket (shows defensiveness)

-Slouching (shows laziness)

How to get noticed?

Seduction begins the minute you enter the room. When you make an entrance, whether you are dramatic, confident, subtle, shy or conscious, you’re speaking volumes even without saying a word.

It is crucial to create a memorable and lasting first impression. Opening conversations and first impressions are potential opportunities that can’t be wasted. Within the first thirty seconds, your prospects (dream guys) will suss you out and decide whether you a catch too. 

Your objective must be clear. Ensure that your body language gives your prospects the right impression. How you feel is subconsciously conveyed to others through your body language – the way you place your arms, the way you stand, the way you hold a drink in your hands, the way you eat and the way you walk. 

Remember, you want to come across as a hot babe and not a desperate woman who can’t wait to get laid. When you learn a few, essential flirting tricks, sending the right message through your body language is as easy as changing your dress.

How to get the man you like to approach you?

Men are captivated by confident, charismatic and charming women. To get your dream guy to approach you, try one of these tactics:

Look approachable

Men tend to feel comfortable approaching someone who looks friendly and approachable. If you are good looking, it is even more important for you to try to be amicable. Men sometimes prefer to approach a woman who is ordinary looking rather than beautiful as ordinary looking people are less likely to reject their advances.

Give the Green Light

If you want someone to approach you, you have to look directly at the person, smile and turn your body towards them. Toss your hair over your shoulders or away from your face. Tilt your pelvis a little while standing. These obvious signals indicate that you are open to being approached.

Have a relaxed body language

Women with a relaxed body language are likely to get the attention of more men. Stand with your arms uncrossed and hanging loosely by the side. Do not stand with folded arms or use your bag or drink as a shield.

The Opening Lines

Once you’ve caught his attention, he’s likely to come forward to talk to you.

Learn to deliver opening lines that will keep him interested.

-Exchange names

Feel free to reinvent your name to make it sound special.

-Compliment him on his sense of style, humour. All men love to be complimented.

-Ask him where he’s from.

-Ask him about his profession. If he’s good looking, ask him if he is an actor.

-Encourage him to open up and agree with him when he shares something personal. Stay away from heavy topics such as politics or religion.

-Ask him where is girlfriend his. This will give you some information about him, whether he is attached or married.

Flirting is the number one way to get what you desire, whether it’s a new friend or a potential partner. To hone your flirting skills to the finest, you may want to communicate your thoughts clearly and effectively. You want to be able to keep your prospect spellbound without having to try too hard. Delivery of the opening lines is important. It is not what you say, but how you say it. Flirting requires confidence. Once you believe you are a catch, it will show in your body language.

Remember, the rule is to being confident, charming and alluring. Once you exude confidence, men will be enraptured by you. You do not even need to do anything special. They will naturally flock to you. 

With the above tips, you will be able to snag your ideal guy very soon. Good Luck!

Finding a Man beyond 40

Cover story in The New Paper in 2008

Feature in The New Paper in 2008 on my ideal partner

One day, I posed this question to my husband, “Are men still interested in a woman if she is over 40 years old?” 

He said, “YES! But only if she knows what men are looking for in a woman.”

Understanding what men want is vital. If you do not know what men want, you will not be able to snag your ideal man no matter how hard you try. A lot of women get disillusioned when they don’t progress beyond the first two to three dates. Some don’t even progress beyond the first date, simply because they have no knowledge of what men are looking for in a woman. Though the traits that men are looking for may differ, there are general traits that all men look for.

Men go for, if given the choice (in this order of priority)

1. Looks

2. Encouragement and Supportiveness

3. Virtue - Thrift and Kindness

4. Loyalty

5. Social Skills - Ability to interact well and get along with their friends and family members 

Being the best person you can be is the most important factor in helping you find the right partner. You will not be able to charm Mr Right if you are dowdy, boring, rude and unattractive. If you want an eligible man, you have to work on yourself and ensure that you possess the qualities that men are looking for. It’s about packaging and marketing yourself. To convince a man that you are the one, you’ll need to adopt the external and persuade with your internals. 

I have spoken to many women who are worried about not finding the right man, especially when their biological clock is ticking. Finding a good, eligible man is by no means an easy task and it becomes more daunting with age. With each passing year, one’s marketability reduces and the number of prospects dwindles too. The question that keeps reverberating in one’s mind is probably, “Will I find someone if I am pass 40 years old?” The answer is a resounding YES. However, the search for a life partner is not going to be smooth-sailing. You will need to be prepared for disappointments and heart-aches and you will probably go through a few failed relationships before meeting the one. 

For many women, just finding a guy that meets some of their requirements can be tiring. They often ask me, “Why does it have to be so hard! Is there something wrong with me?”

There are many steps that a woman has to go through before getting the man of her choice.

First, she has to find him. Then, she has to figure out ways to attract him. After that, she has to get to know him to ensure that he is not a player. Once she is in an exclusive relationship, she has to think of ways to keep the chemistry alive. It’s a challenging process which can be overwhelming for a lot of women. However, in order to find your ideal partner, you have to take charge of your life and create the conditions necessary for romance to blossom. If this is too much to ask from you, you’re better off being single. 

A few years ago, I was in the same predicament. I was constantly searching for my ideal partner which seemed so impossible to find. I was fortunate that I did not have problems getting dates, however, it was hard to find someone I wanted to settle down with. They were too bland, wimpy or possessive. Discouraged, I broadened my search parameters to include men ten years younger to almost 20 years older by attending numerous speed dating sessions and single events. 

After some time, I felt tired and empty. I wanted stability and security. Although clichéd, I wanted a soulmate that I could share my life with. I started to be more focused in my search rather than dating aimlessly. It took me a couple of years of dating, eliminating unsuitable partners before eventually finding the right one. During this time, I also started a dating agency.

I have spent many years researching and speaking to different men to find out what they are looking in for a partner. As the founder of Heart2Heart dating agency, I had the opportunity to find out what men really looked for in a partner. Some answers may surprise you. 

80% of the men I spoke to shared that good looks, personality and supportiveness are the top three qualities they look for in a woman. Other qualities include gentleness, strength of character and being family oriented. 

Now that you understand what men want, here are some ways to help you snag your ideal partner. 

Spruce up your image

Men are visual creatures so they are attracted to good-looking and well-groomed women. Therefore, it is vital to dress your best at all times, regardless of whether you are going to the gym, library, supermarket or coffee with your friends. You never know who you will meet. You will need to know your strengths and weaknesses and wear clothes that accentuate your strengths and conceal your weaknesses. Remember to put on light makeup at all times. Even supermodels look ordinary without makeup. Ask your best dressed friend to go shopping with you and dress you. You may not be comfortable with the new style but the old one hasn’t worked so far, so why not give it a shot. 

Work on your internals

Personality is important, but without the exterior, you won’t get the chance to show it. My husband says that, especially at the dating stage, this trait makes up 70% - 80% of your success at attracting a man. The next 10%-20% is being composed and not appearing crazy or desperate. 

Take a good look at yourself

When we have been single for some time, we get used to living our lives according to our whims and may form certain habits which may turn others off. Expecting a future prospect to love us for who we are is unrealistic. Imagine a man coming into your life expecting you to love him for who he is, while he does not have a job or ambition and possesses the worst hygiene habits. It will be useful to have a good friend point out, truthfully, things that you can improve and take his or her feedback seriously. 

Widen your social circle

The right guy will not drop down from the sky. Dating is a numbers game so in order to meet potential men, go to places where you are likely to meet eligible men. If you like the sporty type, join a gym and ensure that you are clad in gym outfits that flatter your body type. The best thing to do is to exercise regularly to achieve a trim body as men who are fit are likely to be attracted to slim, healthy women. If you like the intellectual, studious sort, you can start by hanging around more at the library and bookstores. If you spot someone interesting approach him or her to recommend some books. You can also join dating agencies or sign up as a member on dating websites. Do not try to look for a partner in a club as the men are most likely looking for one night stands. 

Get rid of emotional baggage before looking for a new relationship

People who are emotionally healthy make healthy choices. Similarly, emotionally unhealthy people tend to make bad choices and build unhealthy relationships. Some people bring their bad experiences and negativity to the next relationship they are in. These negative feelings not only cloud your judgment, they also destroy your new relationship. If you are still carrying such baggage from previous relationships, it is wise not to enter another relationship. See a counsellor and ensure that you are emotionally healed before moving on to a new relationship. 

Be discerning

When you start getting more attention from men and are going on dates, then it is time to exercise more discernment. When you get to know a seemingly attractive person, you tend to be enraptured by him and miss certain tell-tale signs about a person. Keep in mind that there are certain red-flag behaviors which can cause huge problems in your relationship later on. 

Keep your eyes open and look out for the following tell-tale signs.

-Anger management issues (does the guy lose his temper easily?)

-Too Spendthrift (does he spend beyond his means?)

-Too flirty (is he always flirting with women?)

-Alchoholic (does he use alcohol to drown his sorrows?) 

-Gambler (does he visit casinos regularly?)

-Not filial or has relationship issues with his family (does he have a good relationship with his family members?)

-Not realistic, always talking about dreams (is he able to hold a full-time job for more than a year?)

Commitment phobia (does he have problems committing due to past bad experiences with relationships, eg divorce or is he someone who is unable to commit to one partner?)

Once you spot any of the above, exit from the relationship. It is better to leave during the initial stage of the relationship so you can avoid unnecessary heartaches and emotional problems.

Finding an ideal man requires focus, commitment and hard work. It is about understanding what he wants and ensuring that you have all the qualities that he is looking for. Remember, you don’t want to settle for any man, you want to impress only your dream guy. So you have to ensure that you have all the qualities he is looking for so that he will shamelessly pursue you.

What is Your Love Language?

For a relationship to work, it is vital to understand your spouse’s love language and your own. Many marriages break down due to lack of understanding and communication. Many couples do not share the same love language resulting in misunderstanding, quarrels and happiness. I first learnt about the five love languages through reading Gary Chapman’s book and it has helped me to strengthen my marriage with my husband.

A successful relationship requires communication. It is vital to know your partner’s love language and learn how to speak it. Once you have identified your partner's love language and learnt how to speak it, you’re on your way to a successful, fulfilling and loving marriage.\

Here are the five love languages:

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If your partner’s love language is Words of affirmation, compliments mean a great deal to him/her. Words of encouragement, praise and appreciation help to communicate love. Be open in your expression of love. Endearing words such as “I Love You” can do wonders for a relationship. If this is your partner’s love language, make it a point, to compliment him/ her at least once a day. My husband’s love language is Words of Affirmation. To get him to do things for me, all I need to do is to shower him with encouraging words and praises.

Acts of Service

Can doing housework be an expression of love? Absolutely. This is my love language. I feel loved when my husband runs errands for me, washes the dishes, fixes my computer or sends me to work. To me, acts of service are more important than any gift. Laziness, broken promises and a husband’s failure to alleviate his wife’s burden are often the factors that lead to a failed relationship. If this is your partner’s love language, the magic words are “Let me do it for you.”

Gift

In all cultures, giving gifts is one of the fundamental and universal expressions of love. The receiver of the gift thrives on the love, sincerity and effort behind the gift. A self-made card, a sketch of your partner or self-penned poem are special gifts. The gift does not have to be expensive, however, it has to be meaningful. Do not buy a gift just for the sake of buying one. Observe your partner and you will slowly find out what he/ she likes. There is nothing more disastrous than to give a shoddy gift that is bought in a hurry. Gifts are my second love language. I love it when my husband composes a poem or makes a card for me. If this is your partner’s love language, remember to give a gift at least once a month.

Quality Time

If this is your partner’s love language, nothing means more than giving undivided attention. Switch off the television, radio or the mobile and focus on your partner. Distractions, postponed dates or the failure to listen can be detrimental to a relationship.

Physical Touch

This love language isn’t confined to the bedroom. Holding hands, hugs, peck on the cheek, massages and other thoughtful touches help to add a spark to the relationship. However, this is not as simple as it seems. Not everyone likes the same kinds of touches. Some like to be hugged while others like to be kissed. We must not force our love language on others. If your partner does not like the way you touch him/ her, back off and find the kind of touch that your partner likes. The setting is also important. Some may not like the idea of hugging and kissing in a crowded mall. The key is to find out what your partner likes and learn to speak his love language.

Understanding your own love language is also crucial. In this way, you can communicate with your partner what you really want. Be as open and honest as possible. This will help you to build a better relationship with your partner.

To understand your love language, you can take this test online.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Relationship Mirrors Dance

A relationship is like a ballroom dance. The dance floor provides the setting while the music creates the passion for the union. People meet, fall in love, unite together and harmonise to the same piece of music. Over time, they become more comfortable with each other and create a routine that suits both of them.

In dance, the man leads while the woman follows. For a relationship to be successful, the man has to play a dominant role while the woman plays a supporting role. Even if the woman is a high flyer, she tends to be attracted to a strong, successful and dominant man. When I describe a man as dominant, I am referring to a decisive and responsible man who takes charge and not a chauvinistic one. Secretly, women love to be submissive and love it when a man takes charge and gets things done in an efficient manner. I do not deny that occasionally you will find a high-heeled, whip-bearing dominatrix, but generally, most women like to be led.

Men and women are different, and they play different roles in a relationship. Since the 20th century, the man plays the role of a provider and protector while the woman plays the soft, nurturing and submissive role. For a relationship to work, one must play the dominant role while the other must play the supporting role. Two strong characters will lead to constant bickering and disputes, while two submissive characters will lead to boredom in a relationship. Therefore, one person must take the lead. This 'lead and follow' theory is also the key to getting two partners to dance smoothly together,

Mutual respect and understanding are crucial. Both parties must constantly communicate and ensure that they have the same vision and goals in the relationship.Similarly, in dance, it is simply impossible for two persons dancing in close contact to move as one if they are dancing to their own timing and doing their steps independently.

In dance, neither party should force or demand their partner to move in a certain way. Although they are dancing together, they are still two different individuals who have found a connection with each other and the dance is the beautiful and adroit expression of this connection. In relationship, both partners should also respect each other’s opinion and should not expect their partner to behave or act in a particular way.

While dancing, you may fall or lose your balance. This may be due to lack of focus or concentration. Your partner can offer help and both of you can continue dancing and working on perfecting the steps. At times, you may fall too hard that it is difficult to stand up to dance with the same partner again. In a relationship, we may neglect our partner due to work, stress or lack of communication, leading to estrangement in the relationship. The problems can be resolved if both parties work hard to resolve the issues.

In some cases, one person may develop a dancing style of his own and find that he is unable to synchronise with his partner anymore. He will then end the partnership and look for other suitable partners. In relationship, couples sometimes drift apart over time and feel that they are unable to connect with their current partner anymore. The passion is lost and they will then go their separate ways.

Relationship is similar to dance in many ways. Some are afraid to take the plunge as they are unsure of where this dance will lead them to. I feel it is important not to worry about the end result. Just enjoy the dance… flow with the music…. feel the rhythm and see where it eventually takes you to.