Finding a Man beyond 40

Cover story in The New Paper in 2008

Feature in The New Paper in 2008 on my ideal partner

One day, I posed this question to my husband, “Are men still interested in a woman if she is over 40 years old?” 

He said, “YES! But only if she knows what men are looking for in a woman.”

Understanding what men want is vital. If you do not know what men want, you will not be able to snag your ideal man no matter how hard you try. A lot of women get disillusioned when they don’t progress beyond the first two to three dates. Some don’t even progress beyond the first date, simply because they have no knowledge of what men are looking for in a woman. Though the traits that men are looking for may differ, there are general traits that all men look for.

Men go for, if given the choice (in this order of priority)

1. Looks

2. Encouragement and Supportiveness

3. Virtue - Thrift and Kindness

4. Loyalty

5. Social Skills - Ability to interact well and get along with their friends and family members 

Being the best person you can be is the most important factor in helping you find the right partner. You will not be able to charm Mr Right if you are dowdy, boring, rude and unattractive. If you want an eligible man, you have to work on yourself and ensure that you possess the qualities that men are looking for. It’s about packaging and marketing yourself. To convince a man that you are the one, you’ll need to adopt the external and persuade with your internals. 

I have spoken to many women who are worried about not finding the right man, especially when their biological clock is ticking. Finding a good, eligible man is by no means an easy task and it becomes more daunting with age. With each passing year, one’s marketability reduces and the number of prospects dwindles too. The question that keeps reverberating in one’s mind is probably, “Will I find someone if I am pass 40 years old?” The answer is a resounding YES. However, the search for a life partner is not going to be smooth-sailing. You will need to be prepared for disappointments and heart-aches and you will probably go through a few failed relationships before meeting the one. 

For many women, just finding a guy that meets some of their requirements can be tiring. They often ask me, “Why does it have to be so hard! Is there something wrong with me?”

There are many steps that a woman has to go through before getting the man of her choice.

First, she has to find him. Then, she has to figure out ways to attract him. After that, she has to get to know him to ensure that he is not a player. Once she is in an exclusive relationship, she has to think of ways to keep the chemistry alive. It’s a challenging process which can be overwhelming for a lot of women. However, in order to find your ideal partner, you have to take charge of your life and create the conditions necessary for romance to blossom. If this is too much to ask from you, you’re better off being single. 

A few years ago, I was in the same predicament. I was constantly searching for my ideal partner which seemed so impossible to find. I was fortunate that I did not have problems getting dates, however, it was hard to find someone I wanted to settle down with. They were too bland, wimpy or possessive. Discouraged, I broadened my search parameters to include men ten years younger to almost 20 years older by attending numerous speed dating sessions and single events. 

After some time, I felt tired and empty. I wanted stability and security. Although clichéd, I wanted a soulmate that I could share my life with. I started to be more focused in my search rather than dating aimlessly. It took me a couple of years of dating, eliminating unsuitable partners before eventually finding the right one. During this time, I also started a dating agency.

I have spent many years researching and speaking to different men to find out what they are looking in for a partner. As the founder of Heart2Heart dating agency, I had the opportunity to find out what men really looked for in a partner. Some answers may surprise you. 

80% of the men I spoke to shared that good looks, personality and supportiveness are the top three qualities they look for in a woman. Other qualities include gentleness, strength of character and being family oriented. 

Now that you understand what men want, here are some ways to help you snag your ideal partner. 

Spruce up your image

Men are visual creatures so they are attracted to good-looking and well-groomed women. Therefore, it is vital to dress your best at all times, regardless of whether you are going to the gym, library, supermarket or coffee with your friends. You never know who you will meet. You will need to know your strengths and weaknesses and wear clothes that accentuate your strengths and conceal your weaknesses. Remember to put on light makeup at all times. Even supermodels look ordinary without makeup. Ask your best dressed friend to go shopping with you and dress you. You may not be comfortable with the new style but the old one hasn’t worked so far, so why not give it a shot. 

Work on your internals

Personality is important, but without the exterior, you won’t get the chance to show it. My husband says that, especially at the dating stage, this trait makes up 70% - 80% of your success at attracting a man. The next 10%-20% is being composed and not appearing crazy or desperate. 

Take a good look at yourself

When we have been single for some time, we get used to living our lives according to our whims and may form certain habits which may turn others off. Expecting a future prospect to love us for who we are is unrealistic. Imagine a man coming into your life expecting you to love him for who he is, while he does not have a job or ambition and possesses the worst hygiene habits. It will be useful to have a good friend point out, truthfully, things that you can improve and take his or her feedback seriously. 

Widen your social circle

The right guy will not drop down from the sky. Dating is a numbers game so in order to meet potential men, go to places where you are likely to meet eligible men. If you like the sporty type, join a gym and ensure that you are clad in gym outfits that flatter your body type. The best thing to do is to exercise regularly to achieve a trim body as men who are fit are likely to be attracted to slim, healthy women. If you like the intellectual, studious sort, you can start by hanging around more at the library and bookstores. If you spot someone interesting approach him or her to recommend some books. You can also join dating agencies or sign up as a member on dating websites. Do not try to look for a partner in a club as the men are most likely looking for one night stands. 

Get rid of emotional baggage before looking for a new relationship

People who are emotionally healthy make healthy choices. Similarly, emotionally unhealthy people tend to make bad choices and build unhealthy relationships. Some people bring their bad experiences and negativity to the next relationship they are in. These negative feelings not only cloud your judgment, they also destroy your new relationship. If you are still carrying such baggage from previous relationships, it is wise not to enter another relationship. See a counsellor and ensure that you are emotionally healed before moving on to a new relationship. 

Be discerning

When you start getting more attention from men and are going on dates, then it is time to exercise more discernment. When you get to know a seemingly attractive person, you tend to be enraptured by him and miss certain tell-tale signs about a person. Keep in mind that there are certain red-flag behaviors which can cause huge problems in your relationship later on. 

Keep your eyes open and look out for the following tell-tale signs.

-Anger management issues (does the guy lose his temper easily?)

-Too Spendthrift (does he spend beyond his means?)

-Too flirty (is he always flirting with women?)

-Alchoholic (does he use alcohol to drown his sorrows?) 

-Gambler (does he visit casinos regularly?)

-Not filial or has relationship issues with his family (does he have a good relationship with his family members?)

-Not realistic, always talking about dreams (is he able to hold a full-time job for more than a year?)

Commitment phobia (does he have problems committing due to past bad experiences with relationships, eg divorce or is he someone who is unable to commit to one partner?)

Once you spot any of the above, exit from the relationship. It is better to leave during the initial stage of the relationship so you can avoid unnecessary heartaches and emotional problems.

Finding an ideal man requires focus, commitment and hard work. It is about understanding what he wants and ensuring that you have all the qualities that he is looking for. Remember, you don’t want to settle for any man, you want to impress only your dream guy. So you have to ensure that you have all the qualities he is looking for so that he will shamelessly pursue you.