Have you ever wondered why you are disappointed again and again despite your constant efforts to be nice to the person you love? You do everything for him/ her but end up getting overlooked, mistreated, battered or abandoned.
Nice people are often confused and do not understand why their good behavior does not lead to an everlasting relationship. They buy gifts, cook, offer financial assistance and act as a personal chauffeur to their loved ones. Their actions are not only notreciprocated, they get dumped when a more attractive person comes along. They get demoralised and disillusioned and start to feel bitter about themselves and the people around them.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating bad behaviour. It is important to be nice. However, it is vital to know when to be nice. Having boundaries is crucial in a relationship. Boundaries set the tone for how you want people to treat you. A person without boundaries is one that is likely to be abused and taken for granted. Having boundaries means that you trust your instincts and take action when something is not right. It is about having self-respect and self- worth. Sometimes, people are too concerned and pre-occupied with keeping a bad relationship that they end up over-compromising. They would rather live in denial and fear than end a relationship that is not working. If you do not set your boundaries, you will find yourself being taken advantage by everyone.
Common Dating Mistakes To Avoid:
Being too available
Nice people are often too readily available. They are the ones who will over compromise and over compensate, giving everything to a person they hardly know. They are eager to please and will just drop everything for the person they are attracted to. They are the ones who will give blindly as they are desperate to keep the relationship at all costs. They are the ones who will get hurt in the end. It is important to understand the rule of scarcity. Whatever is scarce or requires some work to obtain is deemed as more valuable than something which is easily available. So, it works to be a little unavailable. Continue to go out with your friends and engage in your usual activities. You can make some time for the person you like, however, you do not need to cancel all your plans and drop everything just because the one you like calls. In the beginning of a relationship, it is vital to maintain the mystery and excitement. When you are too eager to please, you come across as desperate, cheap and having low value.
Impressing with expensive meals and gifts
Many men make the mistake of impressing the woman they love with expensive meals and gifts on the first date. If a woman likes you, she will like you for who you are. Expensive meals and gifts can come later when you are already in an exclusive relationship with her. You don’t want to make a woman feel uncomfortable and obligated on the first date. A few years ago, I went out with a guy on a first date. I expected it to be a casual outing and I had actually planned another meeting with a friend after that. I was shocked when he brought me to a fine dining restaurant and presented me with a bracelet. I could not wait for the dinner to come an end. There was another man who gave me roses on a first date and when we arrived at the restaurant, he kept asking the restaurant staff to take pictures of us and the staff actually thought that we were celebrating our wedding anniversary! It was extremely embarrassing. When you try to impress too much on a first date, you come across as insincere. If you want to give her a gift, perhaps it would be good to give something small and casual such as a box of chocolates. You don’t want to overwhelm her on the first date. Charm her with your wit, personality, humour and intelligence instead. Expensive gifts will only attract materialistic women and gold diggers.
Rewarding Bad Behaviour
Nice people have the tendency to treat everyone very well even when they don’t deserve it. No matter how bad a partner treats them, they will continue to treat him/ her well. Nice people often think that by giving good treatment, their actions will one day be reciprocated and their partners will change for the better. This is often wishful thinking on their part. By being nice to someone who does not deserve it, you are actually rewarding a partner for being mean to you. A person with boundaries will ignore a person who treat him/ her badly and will let a partner know what he/ she is unable to tolerate.
Pursuing relentlessly
Anything you relentless pursue in life will run away. Men who do nice things all the time never get the woman. They become spare tyres and the women will only go out with them when they can’t find anyone better to date. When you are too nice, you become boring. No woman would want to date a dull man. She’ll start to take you for granted and you will constantly need to look for ways to top the last thing you did.
For women, please remember that ‘the thrill lies in the chase’. Once you start to chase the guy, you lose all your bargaining power. For a woman, the ultimate destination is commitment or marriage, However, for a man, the journey towards the destination is the most exciting and fun. When a man has invested time and energy in the relationship, he tends to treasure it more. If you do not give the man the opportunity to invest in a relationship and offer commitment on a gold platter, he will get bored with the relationship and resist taking it to the next level.
Jumping stages
According to relationship guru and author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, there are five stages in a relationship, namely attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement. Sometimes, people jump stages and indirectly sabotage their relationship. The first stage of a relationship is the attraction phase and this is the stage where the man and the woman will be on their best behaviour and do their best to please each other. As the couple gets closer and starts to bond emotionally, they will reach the uncertainty stage. This stage is the time where you assess whether your partner is right for you. Quite commonly, people jump stages and immediately move into intimacy or engagement. When a woman moves quickly to stage 4 (intimacy) when the man is only in stage 1 (attraction), the relationship is doomed to fail. One example, is when the woman packs her bags and decides to move in with the man during the first three months of the relationship. The man will then feel uncomfortable and uneasy and may start to withdraw from the relationship.
When a man and a woman bonds, a hormone called oxytoxin is released. Oxytoxin helps to lower a woman’s stress levels, however, it does not have the same effect on men. It has the effect of lowering his testosterone which is likely to raise his stress levels. So, too much emotional connection and bonding may cause a man to feel suffocated and uncomfortable. He will then start to pull away and focus on his work or own activities, This causes confusion in a woman and questions such as “ Why didn’t you call? Do you love me anymore?” will start popping up in her mind. The biggest mistake a woman can make is by smothering the man with too much attention and acting like a wife when she is not even married to him. Examples would be offering companionship, physical intimacy and being at his beck and call all the time and pandering to his every whim and fancy. By doing so, it is unlikely that the man would eventually want to marry you. As the saying goes, " Why bother to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" However, he will probably keep you by his side till someone better comes along. Even if he eventually marries you, he will not treat you with much respect as you seem to be more into him than he is into you.
In order to be successful in anything, you need to invest time and energy to find out how things work before going into it blindly. For example, a doctor will have to spend six years of his life going through a medical degree while an architect will need to spend seven years of education before being certified.
In order to find true and lasting love, you need to understand how men and women think and how relationships work. Without this knowledge, it is quite impossible to snag your ideal partner and create a fulfilling relationship.
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